David Carradine Murdered By Secret Shaolin Masturbation Sect
Kung Fu star was reportedly about to reveal ultimate “Thousand Palms” masturbation technique to Western masturbators
BANGKOK – The investigation into the death of David Carradine took a shocking twist today when it was revealed that the former TV star was actively investigating the closely guarded secrets of a Chinese Shaolin masturbation sect during the time of his death.
The news was announced at a press conference by private detectives working on behest of Mr Carradine’s family, which had maintained all along that the death was neither suicide nor an accident, as the Thai forensices team had initially concluded.
“It appears that Mr Carradine was involved in a top-secret mission to uncover the greatest secrets of martial-arts masturbation, secrets which could revolutionize the way the world masturbates,” said Walter Polanski, the investigator who cracked the case. “And he was murdered for it.”
According to a full 34-page report given to the press and Thai authorities, Mr Carradine first developed an interest in the legendary “Thousand Palms” technique of self-gratification when he heard of the legend as a young man during travels through China, where he was traveling as a novice student masturbator. It was in a temple near the base of Wudan Mountain that Mr Carradine was told that the legend was in fact real, and that a secretive group of Shaolin maturbating monks called the Robed Hands still existed to maintain and protect the Thousand Palms technique.
“The Thousand Palms technique is the holy grail of jerking off,” explained Dr. Min-Guo Chung, a professor of Eastern martial and maturbatory arts and as well as an accomplished wushu practitioner. “There are many versions of the legend. Some say it was given to a monk by a penis-headed dragon in the Shang Dynasty. Others say it was simply developed by the monks later in the Northern School as a way to combat boredom, because there were no girls around. One version even claims that it was a young, skilled martial artist named Wang who was punished by his master for masturbating at night. Wang then rebeled by incorporating his masturbation technique into his kung-fu, eventually creating a way of reaching orgasm that could kill another man.”
Dr Chung said that if the Thousand Palms technique was still practiced, it would be a secret so powerful that its practitioners would probably kill to protect it. “It is said that the orgasm is so intense and pleasurable that it makes you no longer want to have sex, ever,” he explained. “Legend says that the Thousand Palms masturbation, in the hands of those ill-prepared to handle it, would kill off society and the human race.”
Mr Carradine, however, was determined to “reveal the ancient secrets to the world,” according to Mr Polanski. His report details several conversations Mr Carradine had with friends where he claimed that that he was close to finding the source of the Thousand Palms technique, and that its liberation would bring peace and prosperity to a frustrated maturbating world. “David was a believer in the true healing power of the masturbatory arts,” said his brother Keith. “He didn’t belive in the elitist structures and rituals of the Shaolin. He wanted to bring orgasmic power to the common man. That’s the kind of person he was.”
Mr Carradine’s trip to Bangkok, ostensibly to work on a film, was in fact a cover for his true purpose, which was to find a mysterious “Mr A” who was supposedly a former member of the Robed Hands but who had been expelled and was now living disguised as a beggar on the streets of Rattanakosin. In the days prior to his death Mr Carradine traveled extensively throughout the Old Town area on foot, dressed as a vagrant. Based on eyewitness acccounts, it is believed that the day before his death he actually found Mr A, although its is not known how their meeting went.
“Just before he died, he requested three meters of electrical cord,” said the front-desk manager at the Swissotel Nailert where he was staying. “He said it was important.” Both Polanski and Mr Carradine’s family believe that this suggests that Mr A had imparted some partial information about the Thousand Palms to David, and that perhaps a second meeting was to be arranged after Mr Carradine has successfully employed these techniques.
Although hotel security has no record of any other persons entering Mr Carradine’s room just before the time of his death, the family remains adamant that the Robed Hands were capable of murdering him without drawing attention. “These monks are absolute experts in doing things discreetly,” said Dr Chung. “A Robed Hand master can, for example, masturbate to completion in four seconds while holding a drink in one hand and a captive bird in the other. Surely such a man could sneak into a hotel room and strangle a 72-year old man.”
Thai police remain sceptical of the claims, and as of yet are not ready to retract or modify their original findings that the former TV star died while attempting a conventional auto-asphyxiation masturbation technique. But the family remains adamant that Mr Carradine could not possibly have died using such easy self-gratification. “My husband was no ordinary masturbator,” insisted his wife Annie. “He was a heroic masturbator, a champion of masturbation education, and someone who’s passion for masturbation could be seen in everything he said and did. And I just want the world to remember him that way.”
Tell you, before this boat had its anchors into English seabed, all crew and passengers picked up this 'ferry-tale' . This girl was only told at arrival what had caused the hilarity. The Hulk easely turns green, but she got a colour one can't describe. Somewhere between 'Pearple Rain' and 'Pearple Heart' ..
A well trained martial artist is able to break stones with his bare hands, or to kill instantly by finger-touch only. This is not just physical power, most of it is 'power of the mind',this mental strenght is beyond imagination and can be used not only to destroy or kill, but to build or to heal.
Yes, I could break stones and fall without getting hurt. But is was much more fun to fix broken ribs or to cure where doctors failed.
Nick was one of the many I laid my hand on, and as he once wrote in AV maniacs, he hardly saw me on the set of 'Born on the 4th of july' as I was fully booked by these 'Hollywooders'.
There are still many unsolved mysteries, one of them is, I won't reveal my masturbating Dan-grades. LOL
As a martial artist- though of lesser degrees 1st and 2nd in TaeKwonDo, Kenpo, UechiRyu- I concur with you on the secret Masturbation Arts of the Orient. You mentioned the "finger touch" technique, which has severely injured unwitting students who picked their noses and caused greavious problems to their nasal passages and sinus cavitities.
But I digress from Wanking...You can confirm the secret techniques of "Dim Mak" or Death Touch which harnessed the power of affecting a persons Ki/CHI or Qi. This knowledge is used for healing the life energy or in the case of Dim Mak can cause instant paralysis or delayed death. Many films have 'touched' on this Dark side of Qi; misusing knowledge of this for negative even deadly matters.
Mastering Kempo” by William Durbin (pg. 32)
"Okinawans learned Dim Mak from China but developed it greatly...In Japanese, Dim Mak is pronounced Ten Myaku and means “point on a blood vessel.”
“In ancient times the Okinawans talked about Ikken Hissatsu-one hit, certain death-from their understanding of Ten Myaki and Naibu Hakai….those who have been hit with a NaibuHakai strike have told about feeling the hit at the point of contact but feeling the Power on the other side of the body. This has been called a Ki Shindo, or energy pulse, a vibration that carries through the whole body from the force of the blow.”
This may have been the origin of the concept of the vibrating palm. The hit causes the damage, but with internal bleeding and interior damage, death comes later, hence the idea of delayed death.”
I studied the Vibrating palm with a dual purpose, Self-Gratification of my "One-eyed Pole" and Pleasuring the "Golden Gate" or "Golden Gully" when my pole was just too tired.
(Please link to this explanation of the "Golden Gate" it is not the bridge!)
http://yoniversum.nl/yoni/yonilist.html
One must be careful of not overusing these techniques too much as Self-Gratification may lead to a very sore "little brother". Beware of over-stimulation of the female "Heavenly Gate" while while performing "Tongue Fu" or "Lickity-Split". Women have been know to grow disdainful of the "One-Eyed Pole" after such marvelous menstrations using the most Heavenly Combination Technique the secret "Vibrating finger on G-Spot, TongueFu, AND Vibrating palm on Clitoris"! This must only be use in cases of Totally Frigid bitches and has been known to lead to...marriage! You have been warned.